Day Four.

Vegetarianism is so not for me. Like I said in my last post, I may just stick to chicken and fish. The whole eating better thing seems to be really hard for me. I've tried so many different diets and different regimens to lose weight and although they've worked, as soon as I get off the plan all the weight comes flooding back to me plus some. I hate struggling to lose weight, it's so unfair.

My metabolism is basically as slow as a snail. I'll eat one day and it'll take around two days for me metabolism to go through the whole days worth of food, meanwhile another day is backed up and therefore it gets stored as fat, which is not good. It just makes me really sour that my metabolism is so slow. I look at all the skinny girls out there and I envy their lifestyle, it's so unfair that God made it so some people get rid of their daily consumption quicker than others. And while there are diet pills that swear they will speed your metabolism up, all it is is added caffeine to make your body work harder.

Recently I've looked into the LapBand system. My pediatrician had mentioned to me my last physical. Because I've had so much trouble losing my added pounds she felt that it could be a possibility for me. Originally I told her I wasn't so sure about doing a weight loss surgery, but after researching it and reading success stories I see it as a possibility. All I really need to know is if my insurance covers it. The surgery isn't as severe as Gastric Bypass, and I would only need about a week to recover. All it is, is a little ring that restricts the opening to your stomach to tell you basically when enoughs enough. My friends mother has one, and has already lost 75lbs on it. It seems like a safe way, but also, an easy way. I would still need to regulate my diet and exercise routine, along with getting the surgery.

To top everything all off, I ate about half a container of whipped chocolate frosting to drown my sorrow. It was amazing, but I regret it now. My stomach has been non stop rumbling since the last spoonful. The icing was suppose to be for a cake I'm baking tomorrow. I'm not too sure I'm even going to bake that cake anymore. Especially because there is nowhere near enough frosting to cover it. What I found out about myself from this? I'm my own worst enemy, and it bites.

I'm positing late again, as I'm sure you can tell. I haven't been able to sleep very well the past week, since we got home from vacation. I really want to be able to just put my head down and be done with it. My head keeps me awake. It's been racing with ideas, for the apartment, for a diet, for school. I can't seem to escape all my future plans. And lately, my future plans I've been thinking about seem to include children. Don't ask me why, but they have. I say that I want to get my B.S in Mathematics and my Masters in Acuartial Science and then become and Actuary, but, truth be told, I really want to be a house wife, a mother. It would make me feel amazing inside to keep a tidy home and raise my children, not a nanny. Farfetched in today's society, but living somewhere in the 1950s seems like the perfect lifestyle for me. Go figure.

School starts up again on Tuesday, you can imagine my excitement. A part of me misses going to class everyday and seeing the same people again and again, but another part of me can't believe that summer is actually over. It seemed to of gone by in a blink of an eye. Two whole months of time just gone. Seems almost impossible to comprehend, imagine my surprise when all that was said and done. It's suppose to be my Junior year of college, but instead it's my Sophomore year, because I screwed myself over at my previous school and earned no credits. I'm working on graduating a half a year early though. Crossing my fingers that that works. It would be so embarassing to graduate a whole year behind all my friends, although I'll be done before some of them, since they're going into the medical profession.

With the thought of school hanging over my head, the fact that it's been three months plus and I still have no job also lingers around me. It's the worst feeling ever that I don't have a job to escape to. When I was working in TRU, I found comfort in standing at the register bagging barbies and transformers. Lately, all I've been doing is laying around and staring at walls, not productive at all. For the first time I believe ever, I'm both looking foward to school and looking foward to working again, hopefully.

It's 1am, it's August 27th officially. Happy 80th Birthday Grandma. Every day I miss you a little more. I know the angels are looking over you on this special day. You were the shine to the sun when you where with us, and now you're the shine to the star at night looking down over us while we sleep. I will never forget you Gram. I love you with all my heart.

362 days.

Day Three.

One hour after day three has officially ended, I'm posting, go figure. The whole possibly turning vegetarian thing is going to a hell of alot harder than I thought. It seems all my family eats is meat. Alas, I may have to abandon that idea for another. I'll only eat chicken and fish, fair enough if you ask me.

I've been sleeping with my phone next to my head for the past week or so now. I'm waiting on calls back from three different companies in my quest for a job before school starts. So far I've gotten no calls back from any job I've applied for since June of this year. It's such a blow to my ego to get denied from eight different jobs in only three months. It almost makes me feel incompetent. My spelling is surely off for that one.

This post is so short, oh man. It is past midnight however, so hah! I do think I'm going to bed now. I'll leave you with a picture though. I took it while we were on vacation in Maryland. It's my younger sister and our baby cousin. It's such a precious shot of the two of them. Anyway, goodnight and I hope tomorrow is better than boring ol'today.

Day Two.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, what an odd lifestlye one lives with it. Everything I do must be perfect. Alphabetical order is the easiest way to find CDs or DVDs. The fridge being seperated into different areas, i.e fruit, condiments, vegetables, drinks, milk products, and meats. If a pillow is moved on either of my couches from where I originally put it, I freak and have to fix it immediatly. My clothes have to match, down to my shoes. My hair has to look perfect, just the right amount of fly aways but not too much that they are falling out along the sides to my shoulders. So why can't I get my person in order, but I can get my life in order?

Today, I've decided that I may want to become a vegetarian. Last week I had the pleasure to open up two crabs in Maryland. I almost cried while pulling the crab's body in half and watching as the intestines fell apart and as I took the lungs out. I adore tofu already, it wouldn't be a difficult switch at all. The hipster lifestyle may not be for me entirely, but I am definatly going to give the hipster diet a try. Maybe I'll start a vegetable garden in the backyard to top it all off.

Before I can make any kind of commitment, I need a job to support the commitment. I've been looking since the beginning of the summer, applying for a total of eight jobs, only one of them giving me a proper no. Today, I am re-applying for two of those eight jobs. My mother gives me 20$ a week as an allowance, I use it for a manicure as well as my daily Fuse. If either of these two jobs go through I am so hoping to be more on my own.

As for now, I went to Staples and got myself a whiteboard for my fridge so I can keep better track of my upcoming dates and events. It seems to make my parents life easier downstairs, so I figured I'd try it up here. The apartment is a bit of a mess as of late, and I do need to clean it up. Hopefully the check list of What to Do on that whiteboard will motivate me to do it.

Today, eating wise, has been a bit of a struggle. I woke up and had a tuna salad sandwich, and then I had a small serving of mac n chese, Kraft style. It's difficult to control urges when you're used to eating more than what you're allowing yourself to eat. It's only day one trying to control myself though, I'm positive it will become alot easier, or at least, I'm hoping it will.

364 days.

Day One.

My own apartment. You can imagine the excitement coursing through my veins as my parents agreed to let me sleep in the abandoned apartment above theirs. It had belonged to my grandmother, who passed away after spending two years in a nursing home. Completely unlived in for the past two and a half years, laying in what was once her place of rest was both eerie and exciting. All of her belongings exactly how she had left them, her girdles still neatly folded in her vanity drawers. I settled in, and felt utterly on my own.

It's been a little over a year since I moved above my parents. Still, all my grandmother's belongings stay exactly where they have been since I was a child. Only recently, have I decided to put my spin, on her belongings. I have moved some furniture around, and have taken away a few items here and there; knowing my grandmother wouldn't have minded me doing so. Each day that goes by that I stay up in my room feels like another day closer to when I can fully call the apartment where I live. My parents have given me the best present I could ever have imagined, a place to call home for as long as I may live.

My life has never been as easy as it has been the past year living upstairs from my parents and younger sibling. Teenage years were taken from me when at fifteen I was called upon to play the role of mother to my eleven year old sister as my mom was hospitalized. Ever since then I have shown a great deal of maturity, but not enough to gain my parents full trust. Getting a job came with getting a checking account, which I abused horribly spending money left and right as if it grew on a tree in our backyard. I quickly learned the value of a dollar and have since been able to stretch 500$ across seven months. My hopes of being on my own while in college were crushed when I was kicked out of a CUNY school.

After being kicked out of school, and losing my parents trust in me that I could live on my own, I quit my job and applied to a private smaller college. On upon hearing that I was accepted and given a clean slate to work with, my parents saw my determination and agreed that I was no longer untrustworthy. A year has gone by since I applied to that school, and in a weeks time I will be starting my second year there. I am still jobless, but searching for a new one, a better one.

Turning twenty this past June was the biggest wake up to me. Knowing that I am young, and that I have my whole life still ahead of me. I, like any other girl out there, want to be inlove. However the simple fact that I am not inlove with myself holds me back. My physical appearance is not what I would call a great catch. My personality and mental appearance, are a wonderful catch. Men, boys, guys, whatever you choose to call them, can't seem to get past the physical elements of a girl to get to her core person. It truely sucks that in today's society, people still can't accept overweight individuals.

My goal in the coming year is to better myself. Lose weight, gain confidence, and prove to myself that I am worth someone's time and energy. I want to be able to hug myself and feel comfortable enough to tell myself that I'm better than what I've gone through. I deserve to be happy in life, I know that much. This won't be easy for me, or for the people who surround me with their unconditional love already. I hope that my life betterment regiman will be a success story for the ages. I don't know what the next twelve months will bring me, but I hope they bring you a better understanding of how hard life is for a girl like me in today's world.

365 days in a year.
365 blog posts.
One new person, that's a promise.