Sunday, August 23, 2009

Day One.

My own apartment. You can imagine the excitement coursing through my veins as my parents agreed to let me sleep in the abandoned apartment above theirs. It had belonged to my grandmother, who passed away after spending two years in a nursing home. Completely unlived in for the past two and a half years, laying in what was once her place of rest was both eerie and exciting. All of her belongings exactly how she had left them, her girdles still neatly folded in her vanity drawers. I settled in, and felt utterly on my own.

It's been a little over a year since I moved above my parents. Still, all my grandmother's belongings stay exactly where they have been since I was a child. Only recently, have I decided to put my spin, on her belongings. I have moved some furniture around, and have taken away a few items here and there; knowing my grandmother wouldn't have minded me doing so. Each day that goes by that I stay up in my room feels like another day closer to when I can fully call the apartment where I live. My parents have given me the best present I could ever have imagined, a place to call home for as long as I may live.

My life has never been as easy as it has been the past year living upstairs from my parents and younger sibling. Teenage years were taken from me when at fifteen I was called upon to play the role of mother to my eleven year old sister as my mom was hospitalized. Ever since then I have shown a great deal of maturity, but not enough to gain my parents full trust. Getting a job came with getting a checking account, which I abused horribly spending money left and right as if it grew on a tree in our backyard. I quickly learned the value of a dollar and have since been able to stretch 500$ across seven months. My hopes of being on my own while in college were crushed when I was kicked out of a CUNY school.

After being kicked out of school, and losing my parents trust in me that I could live on my own, I quit my job and applied to a private smaller college. On upon hearing that I was accepted and given a clean slate to work with, my parents saw my determination and agreed that I was no longer untrustworthy. A year has gone by since I applied to that school, and in a weeks time I will be starting my second year there. I am still jobless, but searching for a new one, a better one.

Turning twenty this past June was the biggest wake up to me. Knowing that I am young, and that I have my whole life still ahead of me. I, like any other girl out there, want to be inlove. However the simple fact that I am not inlove with myself holds me back. My physical appearance is not what I would call a great catch. My personality and mental appearance, are a wonderful catch. Men, boys, guys, whatever you choose to call them, can't seem to get past the physical elements of a girl to get to her core person. It truely sucks that in today's society, people still can't accept overweight individuals.

My goal in the coming year is to better myself. Lose weight, gain confidence, and prove to myself that I am worth someone's time and energy. I want to be able to hug myself and feel comfortable enough to tell myself that I'm better than what I've gone through. I deserve to be happy in life, I know that much. This won't be easy for me, or for the people who surround me with their unconditional love already. I hope that my life betterment regiman will be a success story for the ages. I don't know what the next twelve months will bring me, but I hope they bring you a better understanding of how hard life is for a girl like me in today's world.

365 days in a year.
365 blog posts.
One new person, that's a promise.

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