Thursday, August 27, 2009

Day Four.

Vegetarianism is so not for me. Like I said in my last post, I may just stick to chicken and fish. The whole eating better thing seems to be really hard for me. I've tried so many different diets and different regimens to lose weight and although they've worked, as soon as I get off the plan all the weight comes flooding back to me plus some. I hate struggling to lose weight, it's so unfair.

My metabolism is basically as slow as a snail. I'll eat one day and it'll take around two days for me metabolism to go through the whole days worth of food, meanwhile another day is backed up and therefore it gets stored as fat, which is not good. It just makes me really sour that my metabolism is so slow. I look at all the skinny girls out there and I envy their lifestyle, it's so unfair that God made it so some people get rid of their daily consumption quicker than others. And while there are diet pills that swear they will speed your metabolism up, all it is is added caffeine to make your body work harder.

Recently I've looked into the LapBand system. My pediatrician had mentioned to me my last physical. Because I've had so much trouble losing my added pounds she felt that it could be a possibility for me. Originally I told her I wasn't so sure about doing a weight loss surgery, but after researching it and reading success stories I see it as a possibility. All I really need to know is if my insurance covers it. The surgery isn't as severe as Gastric Bypass, and I would only need about a week to recover. All it is, is a little ring that restricts the opening to your stomach to tell you basically when enoughs enough. My friends mother has one, and has already lost 75lbs on it. It seems like a safe way, but also, an easy way. I would still need to regulate my diet and exercise routine, along with getting the surgery.

To top everything all off, I ate about half a container of whipped chocolate frosting to drown my sorrow. It was amazing, but I regret it now. My stomach has been non stop rumbling since the last spoonful. The icing was suppose to be for a cake I'm baking tomorrow. I'm not too sure I'm even going to bake that cake anymore. Especially because there is nowhere near enough frosting to cover it. What I found out about myself from this? I'm my own worst enemy, and it bites.

I'm positing late again, as I'm sure you can tell. I haven't been able to sleep very well the past week, since we got home from vacation. I really want to be able to just put my head down and be done with it. My head keeps me awake. It's been racing with ideas, for the apartment, for a diet, for school. I can't seem to escape all my future plans. And lately, my future plans I've been thinking about seem to include children. Don't ask me why, but they have. I say that I want to get my B.S in Mathematics and my Masters in Acuartial Science and then become and Actuary, but, truth be told, I really want to be a house wife, a mother. It would make me feel amazing inside to keep a tidy home and raise my children, not a nanny. Farfetched in today's society, but living somewhere in the 1950s seems like the perfect lifestyle for me. Go figure.

School starts up again on Tuesday, you can imagine my excitement. A part of me misses going to class everyday and seeing the same people again and again, but another part of me can't believe that summer is actually over. It seemed to of gone by in a blink of an eye. Two whole months of time just gone. Seems almost impossible to comprehend, imagine my surprise when all that was said and done. It's suppose to be my Junior year of college, but instead it's my Sophomore year, because I screwed myself over at my previous school and earned no credits. I'm working on graduating a half a year early though. Crossing my fingers that that works. It would be so embarassing to graduate a whole year behind all my friends, although I'll be done before some of them, since they're going into the medical profession.

With the thought of school hanging over my head, the fact that it's been three months plus and I still have no job also lingers around me. It's the worst feeling ever that I don't have a job to escape to. When I was working in TRU, I found comfort in standing at the register bagging barbies and transformers. Lately, all I've been doing is laying around and staring at walls, not productive at all. For the first time I believe ever, I'm both looking foward to school and looking foward to working again, hopefully.

It's 1am, it's August 27th officially. Happy 80th Birthday Grandma. Every day I miss you a little more. I know the angels are looking over you on this special day. You were the shine to the sun when you where with us, and now you're the shine to the star at night looking down over us while we sleep. I will never forget you Gram. I love you with all my heart.

362 days.

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